mkay. apart from the obviously awkward and unpleasant family dynamics that really not anything new, here is other stuff that is bothering me, because the sun has already risen and i've yet to go to sleep.

this is my life so far this summer: go to sleep around seven or eight in the morning. wake up around three in the afternoon. check e-mail, facebook, eljay, cnn, and four or five humor websites without so much as getting out of bed.

look for something to watch on tv.

lay around being congested and cough unproductively, just painfully.

perhaps knit.

check the internet again.

check my phone in the vague hope that somebody called or sent me a text.

nope.

check the internet again.

knit a little more.

find something halfways interesting on tv.

read the newspaper.

check the internet. again.

check the phone. again.

still nothing.

rinse and repeat.

i haven't left my house to do something without one or both of my parents in over three weeks.

nobody texts or calls me to hang out, even when i send texts and leave voicemails.

there is a guy who wants to date me though i have absolutely zero interest and his occasionally-patronizing attitude is starting to piss me the fuck off.

this one is probably tmi, but my boobs are fucking killing me because my hormones have decided "lawl it's ttly fun to make you wait in pained anticipation --" and i do mean pain, fucking ow -- "for us to manifest in the normal three-to-five-days way lolololol"

i have no friends

i can't trust or talk to anybody because it seems like whenever i tell something to anybody the entire fucking world knows about it five minutes later even though the person to whom i was speaking promised to keep it a secret between "friends"

or else i can't talk to anybody because they obviously don't fucking care about anything i have to say

there is nothing to cook and because i have been essentially dying i have no desire to make or eat anything anyway, so there is really nothing to eat but in a way that's a good thing because i need to stop being such a fatty

i really hate doing outside work like planting flowers etc. because it triggers my anxiety when i get dirt/grime caked under my fingernails and guess what i'm expected to do all summer! plant work.

there is no caffinated coffee in the house, nobody will let me buy some and use the coffeemaker for fear it will contaminate the shit mom and dad drink and i'm not "allowed" to drink my parents' shitty decaf coffee anyway because i shouldn't be drinking coffee in the first place

my mom says the most mind-blowingly idiotic things and then i get annoyed -- because my biggest pet peeve is when people ask fucking stupid questions they could figure out for themselves if they would just shut up and fucking THINK for two seconds

i am pretty much convinced that i am never going to find happiness with another person ecause i have no idea what it looks like so i feel like i am pretty much permanently broken

i'm not going to get the job i love and i'm going to have to work at that fucking grocery store again because i was really counting on getting to go back to clv so i didn't bother to line up anything else and i would rather curl up and die than go back to working at that store


honestly this is going to be the worst summer i have ever experienced




tl;dr i feel like i have absolutely nothing worthwhile going on in my life at all and sometimes i confess that i wonder why i ven bother trying to make something out of it, because i am clearly setting myself up for epic failure

headache, ow.

Well, I might as well because when I talk to you folks, it'll be the same good ol' question, "What did you get for Christmas?" And I in turn shall pose it of you, with the exception of Alex Saslaw because she's a Jew. So now, just for Alex, what did you get for Hanukkah.

Iiiiiiiii got some cool swag. I'm pleased overall though I wish that my parents didn't fail at shopping and had managed to find a Wii. XD; Which makes me sound ungrateful! But I'm not, really. I know they're going to buy one, I just would've liked to have it over Christmas break.

ANYWAY. Onto the list.

I got:
~A portable DVD player (it is sleek, red, and sexy)
~Case for said DVD player
~Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
~Pirates of the Carribean II
~A calendar
~New hoodie
~Pajamas
~Barnes and Noble gift card
~The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (AND I'M ALREADY STUCK, HOW LAME)

and because I'm contrary and I knew that nobody would buy me any books, I bought them myself.
~Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
~Fargo Rock City by Chuck Closterman
~The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffinger(I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS BOOK IT IS RIDICULOUS)

Annnnnnnnnd yeah. I got money too, which is always nice.

And now I need to go and get a haircut. Hooray?

i am permanently tired and it sucks.

so Pierre has discovered my weakness and is ruthlessly exploiting it. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Lots of French homework this week. Oh well, I definitely need the practice. It was fun though becaus last night he was telling me about how he spent the weekend with Fred in Minneapolis; they had a Halloween party ("it was only the fourth time i've ever carve a pumpkin so it was really stupid looking, but Fred's were so artistic") and how he dressed up as a grandmother ("yeah, i got this old ugly dress, and old clunky shoes, and a cardigan that kind of smelled like cats from the Salvation Army for three dollars!") so that was fun, and then he was like "what did you do over the weekend," and I was like "um, basically i worked on Friday night, took the ACT for the second time and went to work on Saturday, and on Sunday I slept until two in the afternoon and then I got up and had to go to work." Haha. Terribly exciting, I know, but hopefully this weekend will be more fun. Pity I didn't get a chance to see Science des reves while it was the Fargo Theatre, but oh well. I hope Running With Scissors gets here soon!

In other news I need to get cracking on my college essays as well. I don't think I'll be able to go see the Decemberists this year... which really, really sucks because I've heard that this is their best tour yet and I would basically sell my soul to see The Island and the entire Crane Wife cycle played live, though I am luckier than many Decemberists fans because I have heard the holiness that is The Tain. I still dream of it. BUT, maybe something will come up? I hope so. I don't think I work next weekend, and if I do I can get somebody to cover a shift for me. I'll have to talk to my mom and dad again because if they say that I CAN go, I need to get a ticket right quick.

Anyway! I didn't do my Econ homework last night because I am a lazy bum, so I suppose I will go do that now.

I CANNOT GET "Suffer for Fashion" OUT OF MY HEAD.

Also on another Decemberist-related note, I really used to not like The Perfect Crime #2 or When The War Came but they've kind of grown on me like a prog-rock fungus. Yay. ♥

I need a new layout. I'll do that this weekend.

A's or A-'s in all my classes with the exception of Economics, in which I have a high B+. Yay. I was so worried about my English grade, I was like "fuck, fuck, this paper is going to be complete shit, fuck, fuck," but I actually ended up getting an A- on it and A's on all the other papers I had to turn in last week so now I have an A in English which is pretty much the only thing I care about. Win. And I totally owned my in-class essay on Monday. Hooray.

I had a slight altercation with my Sociology teacher the other day. He was talking about drag shows (I don't remember why) and how that if anyone around Fargo tried to put on a drag show there would be a lot of public backlash; I had my hand raised because, um, sorry, that's not true at all because I have in fact been to a few drag shows that have been downtown, and he just waved his arm at me and was like "Yeah, yeah, I know what you're gonna say, they're here, they're queer, whatever, I got it." I just looked at him and I was like, "Wow, pretty sure that I wasn't going to say anything like that, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't put words in my mouth." He just stopped talking and looked at me and he was like, "... Are you okay?" "Yes, I'm fine," then he handed out a worksheet and asked to speak to me in the hall.

"What's going on, is there a problem?"
"Yes, there's a problem, you keep putting words in my mouth and frankly I am tired of it, so I called you on it."
"...Oh. I guess there was some miscommunication going on?"
"I guess there was."

Whatever. I really dislike him and I'm sure he doesn't think I'm a pice of pie either, which is perfectly fine with me.

I have French tonight after my flute lesson, hooray. I've missed speaking French so much, it's nice to get back into doing it at least once a week, and Pierre told me that I have an open invitation to any and all events that go down at the French house at Concordia. Sweeeet.

On the negative side of things I have a beastly cold, yuck. It is not pleasant.

I really really want to make icons (the one I'm using here is new actually, haha). :x but I'm at schoooooool. angst. I wish my throat didn't hurt so much.

Tomorrow I find out my SAT score. Yay?

OH, anyone on my f-list who is an Of Montreal fan, do you have any of the songs from their new album? I have this one, which is ridiculously amazing and I want that album to come out now.

Gotta keep our little clique clicking at 130 bpm that's not too slow...

Last night I had my first tutoring session with Pierre! Those of Lac du Boisian descent should remember him, the guy from Rennes with the really long face and kind of high somewhat nasal voice. ♥ He married Fred, if any of you remember her. It was fun, and he doesn't charge a lot, which is good. I will learn a lot from this.

I need to go give my English teacher a huge hug because the massive paper that was originally supposed to be due tomorrow is now due on Thursday and this makes me love her lots and lots. I'm also working on a group project; Amanda and Fidelia split up the writing part and I am doing the artsy thing. Yay! We read Kerouac's On the Road which is quite good, but it's very hard to write about. (I found this out first hand when trying to pick a topic that would allow me to write a comfortable four-page paper sans plot summary on Sunday night; I believe I was up until past 2h00, yay.) The "artsy" part of the project is to make some sort of artistic representation of the tone/theme of the work as a whole. I bought some pastels last night and a bigass piece of paper and just went to town, it's awesome. I'll finish it tonight I think and get a lot of work done on my paper (no chatting for me though, otherwise according to my parents I will be in "srs trbl") so I can just do minimal fixing tomorrow night after the farewell-to-the-german-kids party. I'll take pictures of my project after I finish it. :D

And now away to study for Economics, even more yay.

And by "yay" I do indeed mean SHOOT ME IN THE FACT AUGH.

In other news this song quite possibly has the catchiest bass line in the world (and is also ridiculously amazing when witnessed live).

Katrin* and I went to the mall today; I bought new shoes (which my dad is going to reimburse me for) and a purse today. Hooray!

Aw, I'm going to miss her when she goes home, it's nice having her around**.

*For those not in the know, Katrin is an exchange student from Itzehoe, Germany who has been living with me for about four weeks.

**For the most part, my mom tries to pick fights with me and I can't really fight back because that would be waaaaaay awkward for her. And there are some things that I haven't been able to do while she's been here so it'll be nice to get back to normal, but I do really like her a lot.

why am i so UTTERLY incompetent. seriously. it kind of boggles my mind.

in other news i really wish that we would start working on the good choir music he wants us to do for tour; we are doing the Adagio for Strings arranged for 8 part voice and set to the text of the Agnus Dei. it is amazing except we probably won't be able to pull it off because our tenors suck so fucking hardcore it actually makes me cry.

gwar.

Um, pretty sure that my new favorite movie is Howl's Moving Castle. I was depressed because they didn't have the OST for sale at Best Buy or on Amazon.com, but I found it on eljay so yhey. ♥ I think I'm going to go watch it again, but in English this time. Looooooove. <3

( Last Saturday's Nerd Party chez Toby Jones )

In other news, I apparently got the highest grade in the class on my Algebra II final. I believe the world is ending.